Dec
26
2008
She would have to be someone who is affectionate; physically, verbally and through gestures. There would need to be a strong emotional bond and understanding of one another so that if one of us lashed out at each other we’d truly know why. Also we’d be better able to understand each other’s moral’s ethics and values. She would have to be someone traditional. A
Latina, preferably a girl with dark features, race to me is not an issue. She would have to physically value herself with good understanding of nutrition and health. A sense of adventure and a wild side would be vital, as I love adventures, art seeking in museums, galleries or in nature. This sense of adventure would give us opportunities to grow and to experience the world and life also giving me a chance to flex my masculinity if such an opportunity presented itself. She would have to have her own sense of style, even if it clashed with my own, something unique but was hers. Her attitude would have to be naturally up beat and “happy go lucky” with a positive outlook on life. She would need to have a characteristic about her that I admire, like an ability to focus upon a passion without distraction, or a natural charm or an amazing energy and ability to be around children. She would have to have something classic about her and a deep character. She would have to be a very selective girl so I knew she was with me for her own personally emotional motives and for no other reason such as comfort, or being the best she’s had up till now.
Is it so easy to find someone with similar energy, or is it truly like a rare jewel, like a treasure, like something Indiana Jones must jump through hoops for, learning lessons along the way in order to get the treasure? …perhaps the treasure is along the way. I need a defined mission in life. And I insecurely ask your thoughts- should it be writing? Regardless it’s the direction of my heart; it’s the reason for my adventures. To be inspired, inspired to write and write some more, more passionately and fiercely. I love it with a fire. If I could publish my books…either way I’ll be leaving something behind when I die, a flash of light like a comet…like a shooting star. Life is so short, find what you value in it every day or else why live at all? I love earth and all its experiences had and to be had. Maybe I’ll star in movies; maybe I’ll be photographed for Calvin Klein. I’ll never stop trying.
Dec
23
2008
It is safe to say that if I find one woman, so good looking in physical appearance, I may fool myself into giving my heart away too easily. I feel the chemistry of it, here in my heart, just under my chest but just above my lungs. it’s heavy, but warm, Hopeful, but false. I am just getting to know this girl and my heart has thrown a full devotion to her, cutting everyone else out. Perhaps it’s my hope for love at first sight. What’s left of my romantic little heart left unbroken and un-jaded by previous experience. Or perhaps its the junky in me..the addicted and lonely and synical person who wants something to complain about. The person, the AFC who wants to put all his eggs in one basket, most specifically: The Irrational. The concept of the 10 dates rule apeals to my philosophical and logical self, leaving my emotional self out cold. Waiting 10 dates, no matter what, before considering taking the relationship to the next level (Meaning committment). Part of me so desperatly wants to rush into the safety and false security of a relationship…but I guess this would be taking the easy route, betraying myself…sacrificing essential liberty for a little security…I’d deserve niether. The importance of self worth is grand. Holding onto your own values, having great self respect. Though slightly afraid of the change, I ask for the discipline of this addictive element in my personality. Though it has been the most enjoyable of a drug to me, perhaps there’s something more, something better in the design for me…
…In retrospect I see this last paragraph is the battling ground of my ego and my logical self, everything happening under the surface, below this skull. This is what makes us evolutionary creatures. We can learn, adapt and evolve. We are able to “think about thinking” my favorite thoughts are in this arena. bashing common sense against emotion like a child with two action figures. But perhaps my favorite character is emotion…perhaps this is the trouble of the ages…we love those who emote well, the charasmatic characters, the charming, the illusionists. Common sense and true thinkers can be so dull. I’m such a joker. I bounce on both sides. know enough to be considered intelligent and laugh loud enough to be considered fun. Must I choose? is there balance? Who are my examples? who’s done this succesfully? Perhaps we all get too carried away on oneside or the other. Whatever our weakness: money, women, power…we all fall short. What is this amazingly beautiful complexity called the mind? Infinitly useful..is it so carnal? is it but physical matter? Is it really dust to dust? Oh how I want to believe we transcend to something more. Grow wings and fly like a a catapillar upon dying… whatever the answer is I look to science for the answer, quantum physics, philosophy. I will not forfit my beliefs to a false authority. There is nothing one human can achieve that we cannot in some way or form. If I were religious I’d say: no one but I will stand with me in front of my maker. It is a meloncholy thought but I believe that there is more science to religion than we care to believe and perhaps it is all about energy. We come from a source and return to a source of energy, that is all. Like energy is something that cannot not be created or destroyed only transfered, perhaps we are much alike. perhaps we’re God’s controlling these molecules remotely from a haven. Here is the hard question: Will we be re-united with those personalities which we have lost to death? those persons, those energies? There’s only one way to find out.
Dec
10
2008
Regarding 12-8
Roughly four years ago I lost my virginity on 12.-8 – 03. A day in my life that will live in infamy…A day an emotional connection was made so strong I felt as though nothing could break it. A day that penetrated through the logical, reason, even emotion and triggered instant love. It made the direct association of compassionate feelings, feelings of tender warmth with one brunette and selfish girl. The prettiest girl I had been with to this point in my life. She gave back just enough effort to make me feel there was a balance, or perhaps just enough to give the allusion of control. I dream of her every year since on this week. It’s a fools dream, and I must indicate that this realization has only come from abandoning my ideal of “real/ True Love,” a concept I had to overcome in order to battle out of my depression post-breakup. The truth is: the relationship was lust, comfort, security. And I allowed myself to believe these things were caused externally from me, that the source of these pleasures were the power of one well shaped female. The more I believed this “magic” could happen with someone else the easier it became to bear not having it with the object of my affection. Chemistry, attraction and passion are a result of comfort and sincerity. It’s such a battle to knock the ideal of “True Love” off its pedestal because she was someone who made me feel everyday. Good, mad, happy, glad… they were all heightened or lowered extremes. Either way, it had one source according to my early adolescence. More good than bad for the most part, but again perhaps it only returned to good when I began to show I was fed up with a thing and threatened to remove my, what I now realize, valuable self from the equation. At that time, she charmed me, threw her spell on me of casting longing eye’s, showing me lustful favor, pressing her body all the way against me as to show her complete comfort with me and to make sure I felt everything my innate self wanted, which was her smooth supple skin bear against mine own. The intoxicating chemistry between two lovers can be so powerful over the one who has no idea of its controlling power…never the less it is what I wanted…not logically, but emotionally and physically. (Attractive) Girls are well in practice from an early age. And the person who’s “out for your best interest” are generally not of much help (Mom). “Be a polite and a gentleman to all girls at all times” is the typical message from moms. Perhaps trying to save others from the same fate that everyday boys (not guys, not men) fall into when an attractive woman pays them attention enough to date until she is bored and moves on to the next. I realize in this point in my life that: Life ISN’T fair…but that statement can also be used to my advantage and that the mystery of the spell attractive women cast, can be mine as well. Saving me from an otherwise hopeless life after the one experience of passion, romance to seek and live in remittance to that memory day in, day out. I admit it can get boring once you’ve figured it out (once you “GET IT”). That the “NEXT” attitude can bring charm and mystery but you know why. In some small sense it makes you a god to be so aware. It can make you cupid, and Adonis. You choose your target and fire arrows of backhanded compliments and proper body language to speak to her innate self. Cocky-funny behavior, displaying higher value…these are the weapons of an emotional warfare that attractive women have been dictating our entire lives.
