Dec 10 2008
12-8
Regarding 12-8
Roughly four years ago I lost my virginity on 12.-8 – 03. A day in my life that will live in infamy…A day an emotional connection was made so strong I felt as though nothing could break it. A day that penetrated through the logical, reason, even emotion and triggered instant love. It made the direct association of compassionate feelings, feelings of tender warmth with one brunette and selfish girl. The prettiest girl I had been with to this point in my life. She gave back just enough effort to make me feel there was a balance, or perhaps just enough to give the allusion of control. I dream of her every year since on this week. It’s a fools dream, and I must indicate that this realization has only come from abandoning my ideal of “real/ True Love,” a concept I had to overcome in order to battle out of my depression post-breakup. The truth is: the relationship was lust, comfort, security. And I allowed myself to believe these things were caused externally from me, that the source of these pleasures were the power of one well shaped female. The more I believed this “magic” could happen with someone else the easier it became to bear not having it with the object of my affection. Chemistry, attraction and passion are a result of comfort and sincerity. It’s such a battle to knock the ideal of “True Love” off its pedestal because she was someone who made me feel everyday. Good, mad, happy, glad… they were all heightened or lowered extremes. Either way, it had one source according to my early adolescence. More good than bad for the most part, but again perhaps it only returned to good when I began to show I was fed up with a thing and threatened to remove my, what I now realize, valuable self from the equation. At that time, she charmed me, threw her spell on me of casting longing eye’s, showing me lustful favor, pressing her body all the way against me as to show her complete comfort with me and to make sure I felt everything my innate self wanted, which was her smooth supple skin bear against mine own. The intoxicating chemistry between two lovers can be so powerful over the one who has no idea of its controlling power…never the less it is what I wanted…not logically, but emotionally and physically. (Attractive) Girls are well in practice from an early age. And the person who’s “out for your best interest” are generally not of much help (Mom). “Be a polite and a gentleman to all girls at all times” is the typical message from moms. Perhaps trying to save others from the same fate that everyday boys (not guys, not men) fall into when an attractive woman pays them attention enough to date until she is bored and moves on to the next. I realize in this point in my life that: Life ISN’T fair…but that statement can also be used to my advantage and that the mystery of the spell attractive women cast, can be mine as well. Saving me from an otherwise hopeless life after the one experience of passion, romance to seek and live in remittance to that memory day in, day out. I admit it can get boring once you’ve figured it out (once you “GET IT”). That the “NEXT” attitude can bring charm and mystery but you know why. In some small sense it makes you a god to be so aware. It can make you cupid, and Adonis. You choose your target and fire arrows of backhanded compliments and proper body language to speak to her innate self. Cocky-funny behavior, displaying higher value…these are the weapons of an emotional warfare that attractive women have been dictating our entire lives.
