Dec 23 2008
Paradox
It is safe to say that if I find one woman, so good looking in physical appearance, I may fool myself into giving my heart away too easily. I feel the chemistry of it, here in my heart, just under my chest but just above my lungs. it’s heavy, but warm, Hopeful, but false. I am just getting to know this girl and my heart has thrown a full devotion to her, cutting everyone else out. Perhaps it’s my hope for love at first sight. What’s left of my romantic little heart left unbroken and un-jaded by previous experience. Or perhaps its the junky in me..the addicted and lonely and synical person who wants something to complain about. The person, the AFC who wants to put all his eggs in one basket, most specifically: The Irrational. The concept of the 10 dates rule apeals to my philosophical and logical self, leaving my emotional self out cold. Waiting 10 dates, no matter what, before considering taking the relationship to the next level (Meaning committment). Part of me so desperatly wants to rush into the safety and false security of a relationship…but I guess this would be taking the easy route, betraying myself…sacrificing essential liberty for a little security…I’d deserve niether. The importance of self worth is grand. Holding onto your own values, having great self respect. Though slightly afraid of the change, I ask for the discipline of this addictive element in my personality. Though it has been the most enjoyable of a drug to me, perhaps there’s something more, something better in the design for me…
…In retrospect I see this last paragraph is the battling ground of my ego and my logical self, everything happening under the surface, below this skull. This is what makes us evolutionary creatures. We can learn, adapt and evolve. We are able to “think about thinking” my favorite thoughts are in this arena. bashing common sense against emotion like a child with two action figures. But perhaps my favorite character is emotion…perhaps this is the trouble of the ages…we love those who emote well, the charasmatic characters, the charming, the illusionists. Common sense and true thinkers can be so dull. I’m such a joker. I bounce on both sides. know enough to be considered intelligent and laugh loud enough to be considered fun. Must I choose? is there balance? Who are my examples? who’s done this succesfully? Perhaps we all get too carried away on oneside or the other. Whatever our weakness: money, women, power…we all fall short. What is this amazingly beautiful complexity called the mind? Infinitly useful..is it so carnal? is it but physical matter? Is it really dust to dust? Oh how I want to believe we transcend to something more. Grow wings and fly like a a catapillar upon dying… whatever the answer is I look to science for the answer, quantum physics, philosophy. I will not forfit my beliefs to a false authority. There is nothing one human can achieve that we cannot in some way or form. If I were religious I’d say: no one but I will stand with me in front of my maker. It is a meloncholy thought but I believe that there is more science to religion than we care to believe and perhaps it is all about energy. We come from a source and return to a source of energy, that is all. Like energy is something that cannot not be created or destroyed only transfered, perhaps we are much alike. perhaps we’re God’s controlling these molecules remotely from a haven. Here is the hard question: Will we be re-united with those personalities which we have lost to death? those persons, those energies? There’s only one way to find out.
