thecompassrose

She would have to be someone who is affectionate; physically, verbally and through gestures. There would need to be a strong emotional bond and understanding of one another so that if one of us lashed out at each other we’d truly know why. Also we’d be better able to understand each other’s moral’s ethics and values. She would have to be someone traditional. A
Latina, preferably a girl with dark features, race to me is not an issue. She would have to physically value herself with good understanding of nutrition and health. A sense of adventure and a wild side would be vital, as I love adventures, art seeking in museums, galleries or in nature. This sense of adventure would give us opportunities to grow and to experience the world and life also giving me a chance to flex my masculinity if such an opportunity presented itself. She would have to have her own sense of style, even if it clashed with my own, something unique but was hers. Her attitude would have to be naturally up beat and “happy go lucky” with a positive outlook on life. She would need to have a characteristic about her that I admire, like an ability to focus upon a passion without distraction, or a natural charm or an amazing energy and ability to be around children. She would have to have something classic about her and a deep character. She would have to be a very selective girl so I knew she was with me for her own personally emotional motives and for no other reason such as comfort, or being the best she’s had up till now.

Is it so easy to find someone with similar energy, or is it truly like a rare jewel, like a treasure, like something Indiana Jones must jump through hoops for, learning lessons along the way in order to get the treasure? …perhaps the treasure is along the way. I need a defined mission in life. And I insecurely ask your thoughts- should it be writing?  Regardless it’s the direction of my heart; it’s the reason for my adventures. To be inspired, inspired to write and write some more, more passionately and fiercely. I love it with a fire. If I could publish my books…either way I’ll be leaving something behind when I die, a flash of light like a comet…like a shooting star. Life is so short, find what you value in it every day or else why live at all? I love earth and all its experiences had and to be had. Maybe I’ll star in movies; maybe I’ll be photographed for Calvin Klein. I’ll never stop trying.  

It is safe to say that if I find one woman, so good looking in physical appearance, I may fool myself into giving my heart away too easily. I feel the chemistry of it, here in my heart, just under my chest but just above my lungs. it’s heavy, but warm, Hopeful, but false. I am just getting to know this girl and my heart has thrown a full devotion to her, cutting everyone else out. Perhaps it’s my hope for love at first sight. What’s left of my romantic little heart left unbroken and un-jaded by previous experience. Or perhaps its the junky in me..the addicted and lonely and synical person who wants something to complain about. The person, the AFC who wants to put all his eggs in one basket, most specifically: The Irrational. The concept of the 10 dates rule apeals to my philosophical and logical self, leaving my emotional self out cold. Waiting 10 dates, no matter what, before considering taking the relationship to the next level (Meaning committment). Part of me so desperatly wants to rush into the safety and false security of a relationship…but I guess this would be taking the easy route, betraying myself…sacrificing essential liberty for a little security…I’d deserve niether. The importance of self worth is grand. Holding onto your own values, having great self respect. Though slightly afraid of the change, I ask for the discipline of this addictive element in my personality. Though it has been the most enjoyable of a drug to me, perhaps there’s something more, something better in the design for me…

Regarding 12-8

Roughly four years ago I lost my virginity on 12.-8 – 03. A day in my life that will live in infamy…A day an emotional connection was made so strong I felt as though nothing could break it. A day that penetrated through the logical, reason, even emotion and triggered instant love. It made the direct association of compassionate feelings, feelings of tender warmth with one brunette and selfish girl. The prettiest girl I had been with to this point in my life. She gave back just enough effort to make me feel there was a balance, or perhaps just enough to give the allusion of control. I dream of her every year since on this week. It’s a fools dream, and I must indicate that this realization has only come from abandoning my ideal of “real/ True Love,” a concept I had to overcome in order to battle out of my depression post-breakup. The truth is: the relationship was lust, comfort, security. And I allowed myself to believe these things were caused externally from me, that the source of these pleasures were the power of one well shaped female. The more I believed this “magic” could happen with someone else the easier it became to bear not having it with the object of my affection. Chemistry, attraction and passion are a result of comfort and sincerity.  It’s such a battle to knock the ideal of “True Love” off its pedestal because she was someone who made me feel everyday. Good, mad, happy, glad… they were all heightened or lowered extremes. Either way, it had one source according to my early adolescence. More good than bad for the most part, but again perhaps it only returned to good when I began to show I was fed up with a thing and threatened to remove my, what I now realize, valuable self from the equation. At that time, she charmed me, threw her spell on me of casting longing eye’s, showing me lustful favor, pressing her body all the way against me as to show her complete comfort with me and to make sure I felt everything my innate self wanted, which was her smooth supple skin bear against mine own. The intoxicating chemistry between two lovers can be so powerful over the one who has no idea of its controlling power…never the less it is what I wanted…not logically, but emotionally and physically. (Attractive) Girls are well in practice from an early age. And the person who’s “out for your best interest” are generally not of much help (Mom). “Be a polite and a gentleman to all girls at all times” is the typical message from moms. Perhaps trying to save others from the same fate that everyday boys (not guys, not men) fall into when an attractive woman pays them attention enough to date until she is bored and moves on to the next. I realize in this point in my life that: Life ISN’T fair…but that statement can also be used to my advantage and that the mystery of the spell attractive women cast, can be mine as well. Saving me from an otherwise hopeless life after the one experience of passion, romance to seek and live in remittance to that memory day in, day out. I admit it can get boring once you’ve figured it out (once you “GET IT”). That the “NEXT” attitude can bring charm and mystery but you know why. In some small sense it makes you a god to be so aware. It can make you cupid, and Adonis. You choose your target and fire arrows of backhanded compliments and proper body language to speak to her innate self. Cocky-funny behavior, displaying higher value…these are the weapons of an emotional warfare that attractive women have been dictating our entire lives.

Have you ever met someone who you could not get off your mind? I have, several times, but significantly less as I’ve matured through my adolescence. I met an angel last Thursday. I was getting my hair cut by my new barber who often introduces me to the lovely ladies whom he works with, there was one particular one this day. His assistant for the day, dressed in jeans, flip flops and a v-neck, white t-shirt.  I remember how I shied away from her eyes, as I smiled wanting to keep gazing at them. At first I very nonchalantly introduced myself and gave her my hand as a hello in an awkward position from the barber’s chair, but then my favorite part was, she stood around me, like a moon in a clear sky, shining her light on me, and I hopelessly distracted gazed at her, with hardly a word to speak and I’m sure my voice may have trembled early in conversation, but today that didn’t matter. Shortly after I discovered she was 80% deaf. Now this I found odd about myself but that made her more attractive to me.  Perhaps it’s the fact that she has obviously overcome some hardship to live a normal life by adapting to read lips, my admiration for this must have shown through me. Never the less, this gave her character, it distinguished her from other girls, not simply was she beautiful but has a strong will.

I sit at my desk now, imagining a frame to the left of my monitor of a picture of me and she in the type of picture that looks like it came with the frame, ludicrously radiant and happy, and I remember the times she came back to perhaps do the same I was, gaze. And throw in a girl’s opinion on trimming the front edges of my hair line. I’ll see her again, I wonder: what can I do to make my hair grow faster?

We’ve all got problems and it’s not to say they don’t matter, I’m sure your issues are important but take a moment to be grateful and think about and list 3 things you are Grateful for, because no matter what situation your in, if you have enough spare time, and a computer to go on myspace with, you have more than 85% of the people in this world have

Because you could have been born ANYWHERE on this planet, but someone, something somewhere chose to have you born where you are, I, Carlos Andrade, am a total ass… I know. I don’t deserve anything different than to share their fate, situation and experiences. should u feel any different?

EVERYONE has reason to smile.
What’s yours?

“Follow your bliss”

I’m Grateful for Having a great job, passion and people in my life who appreciate me

“When you follow your bliss… doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors, and where there wouldn’t be a door for anyone else.
“
-Joseph Campbell

“TRUE NORTH”

some of you who know me or who have asked me about a tat I’d like to get, i always reply with, “a compass rose” here’s why

I read a book called The War of Art (By David Pressfield) a year ago. it talked about a inner compass we all have, sort of a inner guidance system, nothing I’ve heard has effected MY motivation more than this what he said was:

first let me ask, what is the direction “North” usually synonymous with? for me, usually hope, guidance towards well being. the slaves used it during the underground rail-road, sailors have always been guided by the NORTH star.

I digress…

We all have things we need to do to help us really live (a free life), and in this context I use the word free as in Free from Fear and its paralyzing capabilities in our lives. These things include trying out for something, applying for a job applying for big job or for me in my case a few years back was getting my Personal Trainers certification. Always wanted to but never really had the courage to pursue it, partly because of a lot of self defeating thoughts but mainly because i knew if i failed it would have crushed my world at the time because that was my passion. long story short, I passed and made a really great friend along the way.

what you fear the most is your direction.
Fear is what is telling you what you should be doing
You wouldn’t fear it if it didn’t really matter to you
Fear is your “True North”
and on the other side of that fear is freedom,
Liberation and personal growth amongst other benefits.

If you fear it, you really want it
Ego’s and self deception get in the way.

Lie to girls, lie to boys, lie to your parents, lie to your teachers and boss’s, lie to me…it makes no difference, but if your lying to yourself, you are going no where really fast

The compass points North even though you may not be heading in that direction

“There’s always a easy way and a hard way to do something, the hard way is always the right way.”

my outro:

“DRIVE”
By: Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It’s driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I’m beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
I’ll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It’s driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I’m beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
I’ll be there

Would you choose the water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

Chaos & Order

what stands between the two?

One more thought before I define my answer

Big bang theory promotes the idea that we were all one glob of energy at one point, further evidence gives proof that everything in the universe is moving,expanding, getting farther and farther away from the center, the sun(?). Play that in rewind…everything would come back to one point

okay so Time, What is time? Best answer I’ve heard is “Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once” …now what’s that sound like? Chaos!

okay, so now remove time. first of all, time doesnt exist but remove the concept of time. Does everything stand still OR does it all happen at once?

back to the idea of expanding.. because we are all not at one point anymore, which would seem if we were, everything would be happening at once, there would be chaos but not, because there would only be 1( 1 whatever you want to call it?) time wouldnt have to exist, but because we expanded, that created space..so “time” exists because space exists? and at what rate is the universe expanding, and how does the universe getting bigger effect “time” or us. if we were just solid energy, the 1 and now this energy is just being spread out among a massive area maybe thats why we age? because energy needs to be taken from inner sources in order to expand?

went for a walk and started to think…this jumped in my head and luckely, or not so luckely i walked far enough that i had a while to think as i walked back home… haha i could almost see the road to a straite jacket in these thoughts lol

**********************
I heard something somewhere about the universe becoming conscience of itself? it sounded to me like an interesting concept

-C.R.A.

Originally written: 10/27/06 

Experiencing Life:

This day like any other I walked outa bed and went to therapy few other things then work. At work, a young lady walked in the doors of the youth center, cussing up a storm. Instantly I developed stereotypes and schemas in my mind. Judging her but a voice spoke to me saying, just give this one a chance. Please see her differently, she’s suffering like everyone else. Anytime I develop a judgemental attitude or begin to stereotype people I think to myself, “Why? Why am I doing that? It’s so cruel to.” So I gave her the benefit of the doubt, looked at her picturing her when she was a baby, or a younger child because with her hard outer shell it was hard to have any compassion. I did so. She talked to me, cussing more and more with every sentence. Frustrated, confused, emotions in an uproar. In total turmoil inside over issues with her boyfriend and jelousy which I knew ran deeper than the 1^st layer of tissue on her tattered and worn little heart. I told her what she needed to hear, she complied. And thought in it for a second or two because it was sinking in, making sense. As she digested these thoughts I told her things she needed but also would want to hear, “You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. A relationship should be comforting not so stressing.” She replied, “But I’d like to marry him, I really like him.” And other little thoughts all emotionally based. I told her she was at war with her logical and emotional self because she had feelings for him but was miserable. This got her sad b/c she “kinda now knew” I think she had a hint that maybe it was from a bit more than just her boyfriend, like the need to feel secure and safety. At this I looked into hear eyes as they ever so slightly began to tear, as I saw this I knew there was the possibility for her to suck it all back up and put back on the hard act/look at this moment I seized the moment and took hold of the heroic nature that is within all of us and embraced a complete stranger as she began to cry, louder and louder, more and more. Not the painful cry but a soothing cry. One that we may not be able to cry out on our own because its something we want a daddy, or a mommy to see so that they can understand the pain we go through and maybe mend the crack in our broken heart. As I held her she held on to me more and more. And we stood there as I was embracing her like the family member that should care for her and hold her any and all day long. And she cried as I wiped away her soft tears soothing her. “Its going to get better I promise. You’re okay I promise. Everything’s going to be alright.” If she could say anything I’m sure it would have been “Just Hold me, please” with a veiled meaning of “I’m scared.” I wiped away her tears and she received hope into her heart once again. We talked some more about our short term dreams and that I could get her a job at Fullerton College so that she could return to school. She began to fill out the online application for enrollment and occasionally asked for my help, smiling at me every time. This girl had been transformed through the release of such deep pain, liberated from her self misery because someone was willing to try to understand the feeling, and she went from a cussing, white trash slutty type girl in my mind, to the sweetest girl (again) in the world that I’m sure she was as a child early on in her years. Who put this willingness in my heart? Jesus,  I could not produce miracle’s myself. But I was blessed to hold her. It transformed me in that moment from tired and lethargic teen to warm and tender hearted hero hiding in a cap..or at that moment I felt like I was wearing a badge. Like my dad’s, because it’s what makes him my hero…I’m glad I could be hers today.

-C.R.A.

Brief Definitions:

Aesthetics- The concept of Beauty

Infatuation by my definition is a release of chemicals in your head causing a sensation which is easily and quickly abused by either the causer or affected to think or believe something that may or may not be

Practical Judgement-a definition for “common sense”

——————————————————-

I could never be with someone I can’t stand
Common sense and love never occur at the same time
I ask, “Is the Juice worth the squeeze?”
tell myself, “I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees”
Infatuations occur
It’s temporary
There are THOSE people
who have a way of getting to you.
who can melt u at your core, make your knees weak
But if you try hard enough
In the middle of it
You can wake up and Think
Stop rationalizing, and see
I’ve thought, “Maybe this isn’t what’s best for me”
I’ve been with a model, I’ve with the occasional pretty fatty
Here, free..I talk in my head
“maybe this is what I need. you can’t really be free to love someone till you’ve tried it all, what you’ve always wanted. You’ll hear a voice whispering, ’you could have done better.’ –Looks are hollow, a lot of times, fake. too many people are like hollywood… to many piece of shit special FX. the Hot girls are papermache’, empty.. all focused on fixing the exterior Bcuz there’s absolutely nothing worth a damn on the inside.”
A person’s attitude can change everything
The power of the mind:
It can either be liberating
or imprisoning (with walls of fear)
Your attitude changes everything
in simple, this is your minds capable output:
+ or -
You can Change the course of a night with one simple thought(+)
and great imagination

or you can spiral down with one though, or one memory (-)
Patterns play over….
++++++>+++++++++
positive thoughts lead to more
——–>——————-
And like do negative ones

…I digress

a girls attitude…can make or kill:
The Mood

I’m still figuring things out on my own, but this is what I know and I’m better off because I have a solid clue what I’m looking for (in a person)… genuine characteristics
Like I pick my friends..tho some of the best have picked me…i look for honorable and commendable traits, there’s always fun to be had but if you have these concepts, like honor, honesty, friendship, trust…most things u can find in a gold heart, u can live life drama free… or you can at least choose your drama and I like that a lot better than it finding me, unexpectedly

“I dont want to be the one the battles always choose..” -Linkin Park

and I realize that

“Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.” -Brad Paisley

I know what I want, I couldn’t tell you what that is
But I know it when I see it
sometimes it changes

To quote family:

“What if someone’s ’in love’ with something BEYOND another person?”

I like that
And right now I am “In love with something BEYOND another person”

With:
Passion
Adversity
Challenge
Fear
Creativity
Writing
(Greek) Philosophy
History
(Some) Poetry
and Art (mostly)
Friends/Family(Good friends ARE family)

Originally written on: 10//27/06 

Experiencing Life:

This day like any other I walked outa bed and went to therapy few other things then work. At work, a young lady walked in the doors of the youth center, cussing up a storm. Instantly I developed stereotypes and schemas in my mind. Judging her but a voice spoke to me saying, just give this one a chance. Please see her differently, she’s suffering like everyone else. Anytime I develop a judgemental attitude or begin to stereotype people I think to myself, “Why? Why am I doing that? It’s so cruel to.” So I gave her the benefit of the doubt, looked at her picturing her when she was a baby, or a younger child because with her hard outer shell it was hard to have any compassion. I did so. She talked to me, cussing more and more with every sentence. Frustrated, confused, emotions in an uproar. In total turmoil inside over issues with her boyfriend and jelousy which I knew ran deeper than the 1^st layer of tissue on her tattered and worn little heart. I told her what she needed to hear, she complied. And thought in it for a second or two because it was sinking in, making sense. As she digested these thoughts I told her things she needed but also would want to hear, “You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. A relationship should be comforting not so stressing.” She replied, “But I’d like to marry him, I really like him.” And other little thoughts all emotionally based. I told her she was at war with her logical and emotional self because she had feelings for him but was miserable. This got her sad b/c she “kinda now knew” I think she had a hint that maybe it was from a bit more than just her boyfriend, like the need to feel secure and safety. At this I looked into hear eyes as they ever so slightly began to tear, as I saw this I knew there was the possibility for her to suck it all back up and put back on the hard act/look at this moment I seized the moment and took hold of the heroic nature that is within all of us and embraced a complete stranger as she began to cry, louder and louder, more and more. Not the painful cry but a soothing cry. One that we may not be able to cry out on our own because its something we want a daddy, or a mommy to see so that they can understand the pain we go through and maybe mend the crack in our broken heart. As I held her she held on to me more and more. And we stood there as I was embracing her like the family member that should care for her and hold her any and all day long. And she cried as I wiped away her soft tears soothing her. “Its going to get better I promise. You’re okay I promise. Everything’s going to be alright.” If she could say anything I’m sure it would have been “Just Hold me, please” with a veiled meaning of “I’m scared.” I wiped away her tears and she received hope into her heart once again. We talked some more about our short term dreams and that I could get her a job at Fullerton College so that she could return to school. She began to fill out the online application for enrollment and occasionally asked for my help, smiling at me every time. This girl had been transformed through the release of such deep pain, liberated from her self misery because someone was willing to try to understand the feeling, and she went from a cussing, white trash slutty type girl in my mind, to the sweetest girl (again) in the world that I’m sure she was as a child early on in her years. Who put this willingness in my heart? Jesus, I could not produce miracle’s myself. But it was a blessing to hold her. It transformed me in that moment from tired and lethargic teen to warm and tender hearted hero hiding in a cap..or at that moment I felt like I was wearing a badge. Like my dad’s, because it’s what makes him my hero…I’m glad I could be hers today.

-C.R.A.